


Dear Captain Sparrow

by lita



Category: Pirates of the Caribbean (Movies)
Genre: Correspondence, F/M, Gen, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-19
Updated: 2013-06-19
Packaged: 2017-12-15 11:42:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/849164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lita/pseuds/lita
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Correspondence between Jack and various POTC characters. Mary Sue, Will, Norrington, Santa Clause, and finally Tia Dalma.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Mary Sue 2981

**Author's Note:**

> All recognizable characters/references don't belong to me!

_My beloved Captain Sparrow,_

You should know me by now, my love. I just wrote this to prove how deep my love is for you.

Well, I will explain it anyway, just in case you've just finished your rum. My name is Catherine Ursula Regina Josephine Constantina Marie Fiona Turnerina…or you can just call me Kate. Obviously, I come from the year 2006, if that is not already apparent with the way I dress…or my lack of dressing. Sorry, sort of distracted there. One night, when I walked home after watching _Dead Man's Chest_ , I fell and hit my head. When I woke up the next morning, I was on this ship, or boat, or whatever you call this thing.

I'm sure you must have noticed me, since we then pledged our undying love to one another in your cabin. Well, I will describe my appearance anyway, so you can see what you gained by loving me. My eyes are amber/purplish-green, with flecks of gold that reflect the colour of spring. I am so beautiful; it's so hard to describe it…just think of me as the equivalent of Helen of Troy. My hair is curly blonde, at shoulder length, and can be straightened or curled at my whim. In fact, I've never suffered a bad hair day in my entire life! My fashion sense is fantastic.

Despite all of my good qualities, I had a tragic past. While on our Hawaiian cruise, my family got attacked by a pirate ship, in 2005. I jumped overboard and swam to the island where they shot that TV show, "Lost". From there I was rescued, but I never saw my family again.

I can contribute a lot as your wife and crewmember. Despite my slenderness, gentleness, and youth, I'm a very skilled sword-fighter, even better than the Turner lad, who was supposed to be the best. I haven't been on a ship or boat or other things-that-float-at-sea, but I am an _excellent_ sea strategist; better than that ex-Commodore Norrington, anyway. I know how to navigate across the seven seas by looking at the stars, so you don't need to worry about your compass. I also possess supernatural powers that can defeat Davy Jones and the British Royal Navy, and that awful Beckett.

I fell in love with you at first sight. You are my soul mate, my only true love. I know we will be happy together and I can give you so much! Please return my letter with your pledge of love for me, so that I can keep that for our grandchildren.

Deeply in love,

Kate

* * *

Dear Mary Sue # 2981,

STAY AWAY FROM ME! You're delusional! If you think I _ever_ want to get married and have kids, you must be crazier than I initially thought.

I have to renew my restraining orders against all of you people. I wonder if I can do them in bulk…

If you are on board my beloved ship, as your delusional mind claims to be, please help yourself to jumping overboard, or else I will ask you to walk the plank.

Go to haunt someone else, like that whelp Turner, that bloody Norrington, or even better: Beckett, if it strikes your fancy.

My love is, and always was, the sea, and I can't stay with only one single woman. Why do you think I so often get slapped in the first place?

PS: If you've never been on a boat/ship in your life, what do you think you were doing on that cruise? Not that I know what a cruise is, but I gather if you could swim ashore you must have been on a ship or boat. Why do I even bother asking you this? Who cares about all those inconsistencies in your letter, as you won't be here for very much longer, anyway? I'm off to get my rum now, and you will be very sorry if I still see you on board when I leave my cabin.

_Deeply troubled,_

Captain Jack Sparrow

* * *

_Captain's Note:_

_That was a sample of one of the_ many _Mary Sue love letters I'm always getting. Might not be so representative, but I don't want to make you sick with some_ worse _letters. I don't know why, but I get a lot of letters from different people, including the whelp, Turner, that rum-burner, Elizabeth, bloody Norrington, Barbossa, Tia Dalma, Governor Swann, and even Beckett. Somehow, I've become an agony aunt and I don't know how they can always find me in the first place. If you're interested in seeing those letters (don't worry, they're not all love letters… well, mostly not) or if you want to ask me some questions yourself (might as well answer all of your questions if I do it, even for Beckett), please let me know by reviewing this._

 


	2. Will Turner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will asks Jack about calling him a eunuch, the kiss, and the thump thump.

_Dear Jack,_

How are you doing?

Well, I'll get to the point. I have a few problems I need to discuss with you. I don't know why I'm even bothering to ask you, but I guess it's either you or Elizabeth that I can get my answers from. Some of my problems involve her, so I think I'd be better off asking you.

Some people…well, actually, always _you_ …keep calling me a eunuch, even though I'm obviously not one. How do I _prove_ that I'm not? For goodness sake, I'm about to get married, so I can't be a eunuch, can I?

Elizabeth seems to be distant and not interested in me anymore. I saw her kiss a person who I thought was my friend…ah, I'll stop beating around the bush: she kissed YOU! How could you do that to me? After all we've been through, I thought you regarded me as a friend!

How can I save my father without the thump thump? I blame you and Norrington for this issue; if we weren't fighting, my father would have been free!

In fact, after writing out these three problems, I now realize…all of them have been caused by you. You somehow cause _all_ of my misery. Who needs an enemy if they have a friend like you? That's supposed to be rhetorical question, so don't bother answering it.

I don't even know why I'm even bothering to send this to you, but I don't want to have wasted the time I spent having written this up…that, and I've already paid for the postage.

_Grumpily yours,_

Will "Not a Eunuch" Turner

* * *

_Dear Eunuchy Will,_

First of all, thanks for your trust in me, since you seem to be so lacking in friendship that you actually considered me as your friend in the first place. I am honored.

For your first question, I can't help it. You either get it, or you don't. It's like the "it factor", but in your case, I think it's more like the "snip factor". I really don't know what you can do about this, since I never had such problems. Perhaps you can take a leaf out of Norrington's book by getting drunk, or get into a pub brawl, or hey, you can keep an overall scruffy and muddy appearance…or all of the above. I don't think anybody has ever thought of him as a eunuch…a pompous wig-head, perhaps, but never a eunuch, as far as I know. On second thought, perhaps pulling a Norrington won't work for you; people will think you're trying too hard. Getting married won't help either, because people will think that it's just a cover-up. Sorry, really can't help you there.

Don't blame _me_ for calling you a eunuch! I'm not a hypocrite; I like to speak my mind, unlike others. Others think the same thing anyway, but they just keep quiet about it. How many people are there in this world, anyway? Six billion? So, I'm only one-sixth-billionth of the problem, and as far as I know, a small number that gets divided by a very _large_ number will produce a near-zero result, so I am _completely_ blameless for your first issue.

I think your second issue is related to the first. As they say, it takes two to tango, doesn't it? She kissed me _first,_ but with the ulterior motive of chaining me to the mast, so really, _I'm_ the victim here! I'm just an innocent bystander, so I am again _not_ responsible for your second problem. Ah, we seem to be doing well so far, don't you think?

I'm afraid I need to contradict you on the third issue, whelp. I contribute to much less than half of your problems, really. Let's examine the facts, shall we?

As they say, it takes three to have a three-way swordfight. Don't discount your own involvement; it's not good for your self esteem, especially if you still have the first issue to deal with. So, I may form one-third of your third problem, but that's not all there is to it. You forget others, who _also_ wanted the chest for themselves: Pintel, Ragetti, and some of Davy Jones' crew…I do not know how many _exactly_ , because I was rather busy at that time, so let's say there were fifteen of them, to better ease my calculating since I don't have my calculator with me. So, 3 + 2 + 15 people wanted the chest, so that's twenty people. I was only one out of twenty, so was equal to 0.05. You can always round such a small number to zero, so I am _again_ blameless for your third issue.

Can't you see that I don't cause any problems for you at all? I don't know what you're complaining about. Would you prefer Beckett to be your friend, or your enemy? I don't know which one is worse…

I'm glad that we've cleared up these issues, via these letters. If you have anything _else_ to say, just ask me again. Perhaps Cotton's parrot can be your post-bird to deliver your letters; I prefer post-monkey myself, but I'm afraid that Jack the monkey needs to _swim_ to deliver the letters, so they're always wet. See how thoughtful I am, to even think of how to save postage money for you?

_Always glad to help,_

Captain Jack Sparrow

* * *

__Captain's note: Kids, do not try my math at home…or school. Not unless you've purchased and read my latest book, "Talking yourself out of difficult situations: for Dummies"._ _


	3. James Norrington

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Correspondence, actually more like banter, between Norrington and Jack, mostly about Sparrington. Not actual slash, however. Supposed to entertain Sparrington lovers, haters, or anyone in-between.

Sparrow,

Before you insist on adding "Captain", let me tell you that you are as bad as Beckett. He keeps asking everyone to address him as "Lord", and then reminding me of your insistence on being called "Captain". You're not related to Beckett, are you?

I never asked people to address me as "Commodore" when I _was_ a commodore, and I even _corrected_ people who addressed me as "Commodore" when I wasn't a commodore. That means we are exactly the opposite, aren't we?

Now, I'll get to my point. Would you please stop saying things such as, "I'm rooting for you", or, "I knew you'd warm up to me"? These sentences have caused so many Sparrington inspired fanfictions and drawings…I don't _dare_ to count the precise number, because there are so many of them. In case you don't know what Sparrington is, it's our last names combined together, which suggests that we have some relationship, or…er…how do I put this? Well…it means that we are related _romantically_. That is simply atrocious! First of all, I like _women_. I thought my proposal, sacrifice, subtle hints and gestures, and dedication to Elizabeth might have proven this, but I suppose not. I love Elizabeth. Even if I liked men, I wouldn't choose _you_ as my partner. No offense, but I'd prefer someone who wasn't a pirate, and who was more reliable. I hope this will clear up any misunderstanding.

PS: Don't blame me for taking the heart, by the way. I was simply written out-of-character! If I were to behave like I did in the _Curse of the Black Pearl_ , I would not have done it at all. Blame the screen-writers. However, I should also point out that you commandeered my _Interceptor,_ and caused me to lose my commission in the first place, so you cannot really blame me.

_Sincerely yours (though not in the sense that the slashers think),_

James Norrington

* * *

Dear Jamie,

Wow, you need to relax. You are _way_ too tense…and slightly paranoid. I think you need some rum.

In answer to your first question, I am _not_ related to Beckett. To borrow your words, "that is simply atrocious". I think he just wants to copy me when he asks certain people to call him by his title. I always knew that he envied me. By the way, I am _indeed_ a captain; I even employed you…albeit after being threatened.

No comment about us being opposites. It's your fault anyway, since you don't insist on people calling you "Commodore".

For your information, I _do_ know what Sparrington means. I haven't been living under a rock, you know. Inside the Kraken, perhaps, but we still get some news here. I exchange gossip with other sailors inside the Kraken. Life would be so boring without it. I always wondered, though, why, for slash, they liked to use last names, but for celebrities they always used the first names. I hear a lot about Tomkat, Brangelina, and Bennifer. Anyway, I digress…

I'm answering your "question" now. First, marriage does not prove that someone is straight. Have you not watched _Brokeback Mountain,_ or _V for Vendetta_? Being married, or having a girlfriend, may just be a cover-up. In fact, that's what I've told Will "Eunuchy" Turner; that planning to get married would seem like a cover-up for being a eunuch. That's why I don't feel the need to get married; I don't need the cover-up for anything. Please, don't get me wrong, I am not accusing _you_ of being gay, I'm merely stating the facts!

Secondly, please give the fanfic writers a break. I've suffered though enough Mary Sues; I wouldn't mind someone else less horrible. Hey, I never said I was rooting for Will, but I still see some slash stories about him and me. I've even seen some between me and Bootstrap Bill, or between me and Beckett (eek). I must admit that for slash, Sparrington seems to be the most popular. I don't much mind Sparrabeth, or Jack/Elizabeth (J/E), although I believe Will/Elizabeth shippers might hunt me down because of that comment. Hmm…I'm also wondering now, why for non-slash they don't use last names…

How about you? Do you prefer Swannington, Gillington, Grovington, Beckington, or Turnerington rather than me? Is it because I'm less "reliable"? I even see some Whorrington, around; it's not slash, but I'm not so sure if you'd like it. I bet you'd like Norribeth, or Norrington/Elizabeth, but unfortunately, there aren't too many of them out there. My point is, if there is ever a point in my words, people will write whatever they want, and it isn't because of what I said, but because that's what they want to do. This has been proven by so many slash pairings out there, even if the characters never say they're rooting for or warming up to the other person. Any decent-looking character tends to get paired with another decent-looking character, despite their genders. Hey, they do that even for the ones that _aren't_ decent-looking! I must admit that both of us are very attractive, so I can see the appeal for the writers out there. I would prefer a fictional pairing with you any day, rather than Mary-Sues. At least I can always tease you, but it's impossible for those Sues. I did mention " _fictional_ pairing" there, so don't get me wrong.

You can see that, like always, I'm only an innocent bystander!

PS: I don't blame you for that, would have done the same thing, myself. Pirate.

_Still rooting for you,_

Captain Jack Sparrow

* * *

__Captain's Note: I don't know what's been happening to me lately, but don't you see that people tend to blame me for all the problems that they're having? Do they think I'm their personal problem- maker? Luckily, I'm having the last words here because I'm very sure Norrie will come up with something else, given the chance._ _

_I do hope that I will get some "better" letters in the future._

_I neither endorse nor condemn slash; you can do whatever you want as long as I have my rum, so do not flame me for supporting or not supporting slash._


	4. Santa Claus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Santa wants to swap places with Jack, do want to know why? Read on!

_Dear Captain Jack Sparrow_ ,

Yo Ho Ho, and Merry Christmas to you! A little bit early for this, but you'll know the reason soon.

Do you want to swap places this Christmas? It seems that you're more popular than me this Christmas. I keep getting these mails from kids asking me to give them the Dead Man's Chest DVD, or Jack Sparrow action figures and T-shirts. I even have some strange requests asking for Sparrabeth to happen. What's Sparrabeth, anyway?

If I get another e-mail asking for DMC related things, I think I'll have a nervous breakdown! We don't have too many DMC related things at the North Pole. If I could have know about this for the future, I could have ordered the entirety of the DMC-related stock to be sent up here (relatively speaking, depending on where the stocks are; I think North Pole is the northmost of the earth, is it not?).

Can't the kids ask for something else, like a nice bicycle, a pony, a Barbie doll, or something? Mind you, that there are some kids asking for Beckett-shaped voodoo dolls, though I don't understand the fascination of those types of dolls. I think it'll be easier if you take my place this Christmas, and since all of these requests are related to you, I think you can handle it well. I can become you, sitting down on the beach and drinking rum; such a stress free job…

I will highly appreciate it, if you're interested.

_Warm wishes_ ,

Santa Clause

* * *

_Dear Santa Clause_ ,

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you, too!

Shouldn't I be the one who should write a letter to you, to ask for presents? I'm not sure whether I will get any, though, given my behaviors for this year. Can I still ask for a dozen jars of dirt from you, though?

As for your request, the answer is NO. What do you think the world will become if Captain Jack Sparrow becomes a Santa? I can't help you with the stocks, either, since I don't have any. If I can see myself in the mirror, why would I need my own action figures, or T-shirts? As for the DVD, I wouldn't mind having one myself, but I'll need to plunder one from a shop…sorry, I didn't mean that. I mean, borrow one, with every intention to return it once I have watched it! I need to learn all the swordfights in the DVD in case I face the same opponents again (I'm pretty sure they aren't happy with the replies I gave them in my letters). Sorry Santa, have I lost you? I don't need to explain who "they" are, just read the previous two correspondences before this. You can't do anything about Sparrabeth; just tell the kids to write to Ted and Terry and Verbinsky in Disney; I'm sure they can take care of that. As for the voodoo dolls, do you think the shops also stock Davy Jones-shaped ones? They may come in handy sometime. I can't really help with the Beckett-shaped voodoo dolls. Perhaps you can contact Tia Dalma for that.

As for your comment about 'being Captain Jack Sparrow is an easy job', it's not true at all, mate. You can get marooned, mutinied against, chained to the mast, receive black spots, get involved in lots of sword fights, get slapped repeatedly, have the need to hide the rum constantly, get swallowed by the Kraken, and even get blamed by different people through these correspondences. You get the picture; being Captain Jack Sparrow is not as glamorous as it seems. Being Santa might be easier, although I feel sorry for the world if I were to become one.

I hope I've helped you in some way. I know it's not terribly much help but, it's the best I can do. I hope I'm in your good book now, and will get some presents in the future, or even this Christmas. Thanks!

PS: North Pole is indeed at north-most, so you're right in saying to send it up there.

_Sincerely yours,_

Captain Jack Sparrow

* * *

**Captain's note:**

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all of you!

I will put you in a good book for Santa if you review. For those who asked why I can get a letter from Santa Claus…well, why not? I get a lot from Mary Sues.


	5. Tia Dalma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tia Dalma asked Jack's advice about how to be tidy. Did she ask the right person?

_Dear Captain Sparrow_ ,

How're you holding up without your ship? I'm bored of being Calypso so now I'm back to be Tia Dalma. I'll be Calypso again when I get bored then if I get bored again, I'll be Tia Dalma again and so on and so on.

Help! I can't really get my place tidy. I never get the knack of it, being magical and the ruler of the sea doesn't help. In fact, the reason I became Calypso was because I could never be tidy. If I am Calypso, I get the excuse of not tidying up my shack. I can always drown anyone criticizing me not being tidy or mess their houses or boats. In fact, I can also curse people using Voodoo while I 'm being Tia Dalma, but that's beside the point. Talking about Voodoo, do you happen to know why I got a lot of forwarded mails from a guy called Santa Clause from North Pole asking me to make Beckett voodoo dolls? He did mention about something about you being unhelpful. Why am I not surprised that you're being unhelpful? Sorry, sorry, I'm not supposed to criticize you while asking for help. If you can help me or give me some ideas how to tidy up my place, I will be _eternally_ (literally) grateful. You can have all your hearts desire, jars of dirt, ships, boats, women (I assume you'll take anyone as long as they're female, rite?), you name it, I can give it to you. If you can't help, don't ever hope to have a peaceful life and safe sailing anymore.

PS: Don't you wonder why I _talk_ and _write_ differently? Well, that's my secret.

_Voodooly yours_ ,

Calypso/Tia Dalma (sorry, can't decide which one is more threatening)

* * *

_Dear Tia/Calypso/whoever you are at the moment_ ,

Well, I'm fine. Gee, I wonder why you don't have faith in me. Of course, I'll get my ship back. I'm still working on it. It's a bit hard with my rum-induced stupor but I'll manage.

First of all, thank you for not blaming me in your letter. That is a first. I was so scared that it'll be one of those letters but I'm glad that it's only a threatening letter. Err, that doesn't sound right, but anyway, I give you points for being original.

To answer your questions, have you seen my ship? Do you see how tidy it is? Are you blind or insane? Of course, I don't know how to tidy up. I just chuck whatever I don't want anywhere and use my compass to find what I want. Perhaps you should invest in a good compass rather than worrying about tidying up. After all you're only being insecure about not being tidy but as you said nobody really dares to criticize you, at least not in front of you if they want to live. To make you feel better, I read one article before saying that half of MIT students are tidy and half are not. So you see, smart people can be untidy as well, so tidiness is so overrated and not an indication of their intellect. Not that I question your intellect (despite asking me this question instead of other neat people), but it's been proven. The moral of my rambling is don't feel bad about being untidy, just be yourself. Look at me, shipless, drunk, and untidy but I'm still very happy.

On a side note, since you are magical, can't you just learn the spells from Harry Potter to tidy up your place? I can't remember it on top my head at the moment.

Shall I have my reward now that I already make you feel better? I have one very hard request though, could you make the writers' strike stop? A lot of my favorite TV shows will be put on hold if the strikes continue. I don't know whether I can stand with only 11 episodes of Heroes for Season 2. Arrgh, that's more painful that the cliffhanger at the end of DMC. If you don't know what to do about it, that's fine. I always like to help people to avoid being cursed or drowned.

To address your other issues or concerns, I may have something to do with Santa Clause request but I'm not telling since you don't tell me the secret why you talk and write differently. In fact, I did you another favor by giving you more business making Beckett's voodoo dolls. How's that business doing by the way? Can I have any share in that since I did initiate the business?

No offense about me being unhelpful. As proven in this letter. I am _very_ helpful.

Another thing that really worries me if your perception that I will take anyone female. That's not true. For one, I'll not take Mary Sues, no matter how beautiful or skillful they're. I'm sure I can come up with some other females that I'm not interested given a very long time in but I can't name one for now. Can I get back to you about this later?

I think I have helped you a lot in this letter and am being polite for a change. I sincerely hope that you won't hold anything against me and won't curse me or drown me or preconceive anything bad. As civilized and smart people (remember the MIT students), we should not resolve to violence. We shall discuss any concern either face to face or via letters/emails/sms/IRC chats/Facebook "messages"/"wall to wall posts"/… err, you get my point.

_Always glad to help,_

Captain Jack Sparrow

* * *

_Captain's note_ : I did hear the article about MIT students (or are they other university students?), anyway, the article about smart people, so don't feel bad about being untidy. However, please don't tell your parents that I told you so.


End file.
